robert hold photography

Today I am on the edge of a massive breakdown. I have been fighting back a deep loneliness, tears, and depression just to be functional and able to work. It seems like it is almost a losing battle as I try to fight back bawling my eyes out now. As I am typing this on my phone, tears are streaming down my face just so I can see.

I have wanted nothing more than to be held, made to feel my world will be alright, that the gaping hole in my heart can be filled again. I have fought thoughts of utter darkness and have no desire to entertain them… feeling as I do, I understand how and why some people can keep a facade of normalcy and later commit suicide.

Sometimes the most powerful thing anyone can do for another person is show compassion and be there for them, hold their hand or hold them until they stop crying and calm down.

Today I have spent my time surfing the internet, looking for work, looking for a new home… basically pondering starting my life over, again.

It has been interesting to think about.  My past relationship has taught me alot… If you love someone soo much you can’t stand to be away from them, how much do you love yourself??  Do you love yourself just as much?  Do you respect yourself as much?  Are you willing to stand up for what you believe in and who you are?

With thinking about these questions… the answers have been no.  I have not loved myself enough, respected my self enough, stood up for myself and my beliefs enough, nor have I stood up for who I am.  Going forward, I announce to the world who I am, without shame, without remorse, without fear of rejection.  

I am a photographer… I capture life, beauty, insanity, the wondrous colors and shades that fill our emotional cup.  I capture everything as it is… naked, raw, pure.  I capture people in all stages of covering… fully clothed and naked.  I am a veteran, I have been across the world doing my job, coming home warped, scarred, distant in ways my brothers and sisters of arms only know.  I am a father, a son, a brother, an uncle, a cousin, a nephew… I have a large family and they mean the world to me.  I am who I am and I will not apologize or compromise myself for it.  I will love anyone who comes into my life for who they are at that moment and not for who I want them to be.  I accept them for their perfections and imperfections, the things I like and dislike, their light and their darkness.  To accept someone wholly at that level is what loving them for who they are means.  To love someone, to be with someone, there is no compromise.

That is the lesson I have learned.  That is the lesson I will take with me each and every day.  That is the lesson we all have to learn as compassionate human beings.  That is the lesson that can change the world as you see it.

Learn it, Love it, Be it. 

So… what do you all think about a man who elects to get a vasectomy??  

Please share and reblog.. I’d like to know.

My project funded… I now have to get my shit in gear and get moving on my art… I will be shooting this project and slaving over it like a manically depraved micromanaging twit that is hopelessly addicted to producing 24 (yes 24) frames of pure unadulterated awesome… all to capture what our bodies show when we feel those emotions that make up our life…. from love, anger, hate, joy, that OMG YES YES YEESSSSS feeling when you’ve been held right before that bittersweet holy shit they are leaving and when can I see them again this really is gonna suck cus I want them feeling hits you like a sack of bricks to the groin.

can’t you tell I am excited yet… if not… wait till you see the awesome that comes out on this blog in the coming weeks.

Stay tuned kiddies… I’m about to show you the world through my eyes.

~ R.